I’ve gotten paul’s but not Ringo’s(it hasn’t come out here yet). 

I like his new album it’s very relaxing and classy in a way and even tho it has a “McCartney” feel to it it’s still got an edge and i like it. His voice is a bit different tho, much more “old man like” but still as sweet as i remember. 

-john

(George, John and Linda out on the town by: http://jacianowisko.tumblr.com/)

Back in the days of good ol’ liddypool me and Paul always wrote shoulder to shoulder, face to face, guitar to guitar, like mirrors but as time went by we changed from shoulder to shoulder in paul’s little room or my room to big fancy hotels rooms with people everywhere. Eventually having his girlfriend and cyn(and jules) we began not having as much time as before so we had to learn to write some stuff on our own.

 the beginning till around end of 65, was the time that we would write what we could together and just when very need we would write alone. As 1966 and 1967 came along we began writing thing more alone then before( Paul’s yesterday and my strawberry fields, not at the same time tho). By writing alone I think we got more emotion into the song. 

Being two guys even as close and “innovatively heterosexuals” we were we still had our pride and when you write a deep and emotional song you need to get yourself in that emotional state and that sometimes means crying and breaking down like a little boy without a mummy. But being two “macho” man we couldn’t do that in front of  each other it was almost as tho it was against the guy code or something. 

We did sometimes break down together about things but it being happen much and when it did we never broke into song.

Anyway soon as sgt pepper and all that came along we began writing more alone and just polishing it off together and soon, probably around the India trip we actually began writing completely alone. ( thus getting my ‘I’m so tired’ and Paul’s ‘mother nature’s son’).

Then the “dream” as some people like to call it, was over. We grow up as men and individuals, finally becoming instead of two parts if a whole, as people called us back a the time of the Beatles, we were now two completely different men. Married and with our own little ways, lifes, kids and plans.

Even tho in the beginning of the after break up madness I was very happy to be able to do whatever wanted without having to care about “little miss Paulie” not liking it, as time went by I started to really miss the bugger. 
Writing with a parter and writing all together alone is very, very different. In both ways really. 

When you have a partner you have someone telling you if it sounds good or not, an outside opinion and also it’s another head helping you come up with the song. At the same time when you write with a partner you don’t have as much freedom of topics. 

After i got back to writhing again but alone, I learned that without Paul I could write about whatever the fuck I wanted! If I wanted to write about me dick,I could!

But It’s funny how you never care about anything till it’s really gone. Before when I was around my 30´s I used to just say bad things about paul and just say “oh it’s a joy to not have that cunt macca on me leg” but after I passed and even while I was down there I started to feel on my own skin how lonely it was to actually write alone.

I had yoko but… Well she was good for the begging but as the inicial happiness of “just married” passed writing with her was getting a bit off for me. She was getting bitter and menopausal and I was passed the “blind and depth” state of the marriage so I could see how different the songs were sounding and I wanted to do my rock and roll but even when I played with chuck ( berry) she did her stuff and made a fool of us in front of him! 

I guess like every married couple, the love after a while goes away and what stays at 40 is the friendship. And that’s pretty much what happened to me and yoko really, while i was killing myself for not having the fucking guts to talk to paul and write with him again Yoko was there to be by my side and be the “mate” i need and give me the love that i couldn’t get from paul.

During the lost weekend I got to do some good old rock and roll and boy was it a relief. I admired her work on the avangerd stuff a lot, it’s very sharp and new age and some of it sounds very fab and Rock like but I liked doing simple rock and roll not avangerd rock.

Anyway I’ve told you the rest of the story but the thing is,i miss what I had with Paul, I miss being able to blind and him knowing just what I wanted. I’ve trying even writing with George but not even him is able to read me as well as Paul. 

That fucking bastard, why did he have to be so fucking special?

(John and Taro, his cat. Taken by John)

Always happy, always joking and playing, all of it is just a play, a well thought of play to cover up the true sadness that lied in.

People always put me up as the witty, sarcast and angry one and even tho i actually was those things there was someone on my shoulders crying with me, getting angry with me going through it all with me.

The coming up, the mania, the fights, the confusion, the break up…

A person that always tried to be the strongest, the bigger person but he was always met with the increable burden of being a human and having feels.

No matter how many times you told him that it was alright to give in and stop holding everything in he would always keep it in. His heart getting fuller and fuller of emotion to the point which there was no exit to the claustrofobia that it had become.

Pain of lost, sickness, loneliness all pilled up inside, enough to make an normal human bitter but not him, no not him. i dunno how he managed, with such heart to be nice, loving and sweet. The sweetest, the nicest and the only one that i felt that loved me no matter what i did, how i acted and who i was. 

 i’ve always admired him. And knowing now what i have done in the past to him and all the things he has suffered with, during the time i was alive and after, i only admire him more and more and i only love him more each day.

it’s alright darling, believe me i’ve seen disgusting things in me life. Have you seen George eat?! 

-john

So good news! I’ve been able to sleep! 

hohoho

After that huge let down time for today’s entry ey? So these days i’ve been actually working hard ya know? I got another idea for a tune and soon a song came along too and being that i already had about 9 saved up i decided to call up the studio, get my people together and work on an album.

As soon as it’s out i’ll give you guys the official song names and artist’s list (i can’t give ya the song tho, heaven has rules about that) I’ve told you before that i still work -well record-, i’ve done about 8 or 9 albums for the time i died to the present and the rest of the time i’m neither resting or sometimes playing live - if i’m feeling good and happy-.

I’ve done about 5 big concerts up here and a bunch of little ones. Most of them great but some crazy fans every now and then. 

I’ve done also almost everything up here, from slow love songs like Sinatra to heavy rock like “Guns” (and roses) I still write too but now i’ll more like Ringo, i do mostly covers. (i think even paul is doing that now even)

 Here are most of my favorite songs from my old albums:

Solo(written by me):

“Mummy” - Kind of a happy and more love song like version of “mother” with Julia her self on banjo and me sings. This song is very, very simple really, no big drums, guitar and shit just me voice, mum’s voice, a banjo and a light drum on the background. 

“The great loner man”- This song is a bit of a Jazzy tone that i was trying to write. After speaking with jim (paul’s dad) he helped me get it on the line and he himself played the piano on it. 

“big and old but still a lover boy”- This is more of a Rock and roll with a sixties feel song. 

Covers: 

“Knowing me, Knowing you” (by abba) - This is one that me and george worked on. We had fun, even more on my side being that i’m a abba fan. 

“Love of my life” (by Queen)- I redid this song up here with Freddie himself in a show and we ended up recording it. 

“Born this way” (by Lady gaga)- This was Sean’s idea which i went on with but it was great fun. I did a slow version tho, i don’t have the song to do the fast one. 

“sweet child o´mine” (by guns and roses)- I wanted a rock edge on my 96 album “Rocks” so i did about 2 or 3 covers of real rock songs and this was one of them. (my voice was shit by the end of it tho)

There are also i few songs that i wrote with help and as collaboration: 

“I’m out”- This was one me, Freddie and Brian (yes Epstein) wrote. Brian had a bit of a hard time but he enjoyed it. 

“Freedon”- This was a have good song i did that i wrote with Janis Joplin and we sung it along with Elvis and Roy Orbison. 

“Toppermost”- Autobiographical-ish song about the old Hamburg and liddypool days that i wrote alone but Buddy holy helped with the tune. 

“Miss you” - This is a slow sad love song that i wrote but this time Roy helped with the lyrics.

My Band changes a lot over time but half of the time i’m neither working with George, Freddie, jim or keith moon. My new album is gonna follow that line up (i think) but i’m trying to convince Julia and Linda on being my back vocals. Mum had always a beautiful voice and Paul was right about Linda, she has a great voice and she is quite talented on the piano too. 

I’ll tell ya all about it as soon as it’s done, probably around the 1th or 2th of april. Now i’ve got to go, dinner is calling.

it’s 4am here and i’m getting soft again. I just woke up from one of those bloody dreams. i wasn’t me in the dream, i was watching everything even tho i was the one i was watching.(out of body-ish like)

At first I was standing in what looked like a hospital and it only showed my face. Soon a long beep came on and i could see me looking down, no expression. My view slowly changed to reveal the hospital bed “i” was looking at and in the bed lied paul. Only me and him their no one else (which seems unlikely due to the fact that it was a hospital). Suddenly the long continues beep stopped, paul’s face relax and started changing. His wrinkles despairing, cheeks getting full again, skin getting smoother. His hair was pulling it self back and turning darker and more oily and silky like. 

Before my eyes paul changed from his old and,in the dream, a bit sick looking self to his young teddy boy self. My eyes widened but the me i saw didn’t change much on expression. The now young Paul slowly stood up and innocently opened his eyes blinking a few times at me. 

The me i saw softened his face and soon smiled brightly as he put his hand slowly out. Paul smiled wide and got up taking my hand. 

We held each others hands but suddenly everything turned dark (which i hate) and fire started popping up. Before i could see it paul was being dragged away from me by weird shaped demons. I ran to him as he screamed at the top of his lungs but suddenly a big wall of fire got between us. 

I watched in panic as paul was taken away, screaming and crying as the demons grabbed him by the foot Thru the ground getting his whole body completely burned and cut up by the now lava and rock like ground. 

Then i woke up.

My bloody dreams again, they always seem to pin point my deepest and most hated fears for no fucking reason. I know that Paul is gonna make it here but still i’m horrified that for some weird reason he may not. i’ve seen hell and believe me it’s horrible!

There is darkness, too much light, fire, ice, fucking, no fucking at all, monstrous demons, every single fear and horror any person has ever thought of, it’s there! 

Much like heaven, hell has the same look (kind of) like Earth but this time unlike heaven there everything is bad, dark, dirty, expensive(but still bad). Everyone wants ya dead or hurt and the ones that aren’t killing and hurting are being hurt. 

You get shot everyday, rapped, scared and stolen from. And also unlike here they there have to pay for there things and they are so expensive that they work there like fucking pigs to just buy food. 

it’s hell!

Thank god no one i know is there, for you to actually go there and not “the middle” you have to be really bad! And i don’t mean stealing stuff bad (or i would be there), you have to kill and hurt people to go to hell. From that you can already see how “nice” the people there are, ey?

I know Paulie would never hurt a fly and i know he’ll come right to me and Linda but still my dreams haunt me. Since i was very, very little i’ve had these nightmares about death, demons, losing people i love and all that. 

I’m gonna try to go back to bed and sleep now. Hope the fucking dream doesn’t come back.

During the years i spend taking care of Sean i poured my creativity into journals and the rest of the spare “artisticality” stay to haunt me during the day. It would be a very hope filled dream thinking that i -that twisted and extremely easily bored person that i am- would stay a whole day without slipping into a creative or imaginative mood, that simply didn’t happen i just had to force myself into forgetting it and going back to my normal day.

I normally did Yoga or watched telly with the cats when i was bored but sometimes my will power would run bellow it’s normal low and i wouldn’t even want to get off me bed. i would get up, feed sean send him off to helen and boom back to bed.

I often had had too many cups of coffee the night before (resulting on me sleeping late), too many glasses of wine ( 2 by now was a lot for me due to my early age drinking -according to my doc-) or had smoked too much and whatever option it was it always had the same result, groggy, grumpy and moody me the other day. 

I would wake up with bad headaches that made even a simple kiss from Sean in my forehead an explosion. I would always try to keep it in and not show him that i was hungover but sometimes he saw it.

The begin of 1980 was a hard period for me, i was more bored then Sherlock Holmes with a case to solve, that made me drink and smoke and that resulting on me not having energy and out getting more and more bored.

Soon i found something to fill in my time, ‘Dream power’. This is when you learn to control your dreams, in a way that you can dream about anything you want. So when i was sad i pictured a happy place, when i was lonely i pictured someone to be with me, when i was horny i picture the person i wanted to have but the thing was once i counted back from 10 and was into the dream it always took weird plot and twits. i was in the middle of fucking a curvy blond when she turned into Paul or Mum! Eventually after confusing myself way too i gave it up and only used it when i was really bored. 

Then after almost slipping into the depression of a routine Yoko told me to travel, thus resulting on my trip to Bermuda and me fixing me boredom with getting back to writing music.

Now the today part comes in, by now you are like “oh shit the fucking old man john fucked up the title and is not gonna talk about today” well for your information i maybe 71 but i’ve got the body of a 22 year old sex god and the memory of a 5 year old so fuck it. 

Anyway the today part. To this day i still love my bed and hate getting off it but unlike back down there i can afford at times here to just lie in and watch telly with my cats (i forgot to tell ya i have two cat, Alice and Taro). But once you get that option you sometimes just wanna go “fuck it! i’m going out!” and you go out, not anywhere in particular just places, walking around the parks and stores. 

And i’ve gotten smarter with the drinking and smoking. Mum and Mimi made me stop with the heavy drugs and tried stopping me from smoking pot but i still have a hidden bag in my boots for an emergency. About the drinking now i only do it when at parties and normally just a glass or two of wine. 

Then sex comes along… Back in 1980 i almost didn’t have any! Yoko was in the middle of those women problem things and was repulsed by sex and i was horny as hell. Eventually i neither went over to may’s (which ended after my guilt over fucking her in a hospital got the best of me) or i had a “shiatsu” session. When those didn’t work the porn or my dirty mind came along and i just wanked. 

Here i have learned to (tried to) control myself a bit more and it has worked a bit but i still go out and have fun and fuck when ever i want. George has told me to get someone and date but first he is in no position to tell me that cause he himself is waiting for olivia and secondly he knows why i’m not nor will ever get into a relationship with random people around here. He knows i’m waiting. 

Most people up here are like me but others just date and get into relationships up here. When you die you are freed and you can choose weather you want to be free or if you wanna take the chance and wait or some people have someone waiting for them already. 

Here you don’t get married, you are just together. Dating, fucking, making love whatever you wanna call it weather you love the person or not, it’s all your choice. 

Just to illustrate it Mimi and uncle George are still together and they tell people that they are married even tho the married doesn’t count up here. Brian himself has gotten a little someone now (he dated Freddie but they didn’t work out, but they are still very very close) and is very happy. Freddie himself is now back with his love and happy. In the other hand Mum is not together with Bobby anymore (thank god) and is dating simple guy that is a fan of mine.

Got to sleep now it’s already 3am and tomorrow being my lazy day i don’t wanna be grumpy.  -night.

double fantasy….

After i got back to writing and got the milk and honey album out the inspiration did not stop! So i kept writing and working. By the fifth of December the album as pretty much done, only needing a few recordings of yoko’s songs.

 That day Me and yoko went down to the studio and we spend all day doing her stuff, only stopping a times to take a break or eat something. We finished late for dinner but at least we got her last song “walking on thin ice” done. Yoko wanted us to just go to dinner, it was already late and she knew that when i ate too late at night i had trouble sleeping, but i said that i wanted to stop by at the dakota, Sean’s bedtime was around 9pm but he always tried to stay up waiting for me to put him to bed myself.

From the moment we got in the car to the moment i woke up here i only have one memory. 

A strong agonizing pain, i couldn’t move and all i saw were shadows moving around all over and around me, bright lights and beeps. And in the middle of all that a familiar voice stood out. 

“close your eyes and i’ll kiss you

tomorrow i’ll miss you

remember i’ll always be true 

and then while i’m away

i’ll write home everyday 

and i’ll send all my loving to you”

To this day i dunno if that was in my head or playing somewhere but it was the last thing i remember. 

I know what happened to me from people having told me and my horrible strong imagination putting one and one together but i don’t have the actual memory. 

When i got here i saw a big bright light and lifes flashing thru my eyes very, very quickly, Showing me and mum, me and mimi, paulie, georgie, ringo, brian, big george(the martin one),cyn, jules, yoko, linda, mo, pattie, sean….

All my mistakes… (boy there were many)

The things i did right….

The love i took and the love i gave…. 

Then i was here, so i suppose i did good down there.